IN BED WITH SASHA

YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?

I’m not really a fan of dirty talk - or any talk, really - during sex. I can enjoy it but sometimes I find it distracting and off-putting. I especially don’t like being asked questions with obvious answers. I figure the guy should be smart enough to know what’s good and what isn’t by the sounds and facial expressions I’m making.

Example: “Does that feel good? Huh? You like that baby? Huh?”

I can’t see how me responding verbally could make the situation sexier.

If the answer is yes: “Um, of course I do, I’m moaning aren’t I? What are you, deaf?”

If the answer is no: “Did you say something? Oh sorry, I was thinking about this sushi I had for lunch today - it was so good.”

Of course, there are times when it IS appropriate to talk during sex. A question like “Can I put it here” should definitely be asked, for instance, and not just assumed.

In my opinion, dirty talk has to suit the guy. Someone like Vin Diesel or Dwayne Johnson (yes, I’ve just seen Fast and the Furious 5), with a grave, deep, sexy voice, can tell me/call me ANYTHING they want.

But someone sounding like David Beckham or Elmo I’d prefer to keep quiet. It’s such a shame someone so good looking has to sound like a mouse. And Beckham is a disapointment too.

One of my exes had a pretty sexy voice. Dirty talk from him was always good, no matter what he said or the situation. We had a very messy break-up and he hated me for it but we still hooked up for a while afterward.

I found his hatred for me would come out during break-up sex, when he’d say (minus all the expletives): “Yeah, take that you slut! Who’s a slut, huh? You’re a slut. Who’s a dirty ho? You’re my dirty ho.”

I never knew how to respond, so I’d just wing it:

Me: “Um… me? Is it me? I am? I’m a dirty ho?”
Him: “So who’s a ho? Who’s a ho?”
Me: “Me? Is it still me?”
Him: “Yeah, that’s right.”

I suppose I could try and start throwing a few words around. I know men like having their ego stroked, amongst other things.

I’ll have to buy a thesaurus so I can start finding alternative words for BIG, TASTY, GOOD and just start saying them all next to the word “penis” during sex. Well maybe not “penis”. Pretty sure “Your penis is just so big and tasty and good” is not considered acceptable dirty talk in anyone’s book.

Ding dong? Member? This is hard. Actually, I could even say that. Maybe that’s why so much dirty talk is just stating the obvious: “That feels good”; “You are so big”; “Your ceiling needs new paint” and so on and so forth.

OK, so clearly dirty talk isn’t MY thing. I guess I’ll just stick to my normal strategy: stay silent if it’s bad and turn religious if I’m enjoying myself. OH GOD, YES!
SASHA GRACE