HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
I made a horrific discovery in the toilets at work the other day: a pubic hair on the seat. It wasn’t the presence of the pube that frightened me; it was the length of it that scared the crap out of me (not literally).
SIX CENTIMETRES in length, maybe even ten if you used a straightening iron. And it was definitely NOT head hair as no woman I work with has hair like that.
I was shocked. What female grows their pubes to such a length? Why would you let it get that bad? Is there a new trend to grow it so long you can plait it?
I am of the opinion that women should keep that area well maintained no matter what their age. Just because you’ve locked down the man of your dreams or been married for 15 years, does not mean you can give up on mowing the lawn.
Gran, that goes for you too – start chopping away at that bush. And no, I won’t accept “trying to conserve old-growth forest” as an excuse.
I mentioned the incident to The Reformed Man-whore.
Me: “I work with such well-dressed, classy women. This doesn’t make sense.”
Reformed Man-whore: “I met this girl one night, she came from an elite private girl’s school, worked in fashion, dressed classy yet sexy. An eight out of 10, easy. So I took her home, and what do you know – full bush.”
Reformed Man-whore: “Who knows? I’ll tell you one thing though, I don’t go down on that. I don’t care how hot she is, I’m not getting bush-whacked.”
In my opinion, I feel there’s only one time when it’s appropriate to grow the secret garden: when you want to behave. The Ice Queen, The Beauty Queen and myself have all employed this technique.
Don’t know what I mean? Most girls I know aren’t comfortable receiving oral sex or sleeping with someone when they haven’t trimmed the hedges. So by doing so, you can avoid situations like:
- Sleeping with your ex when he comes over to pick up his things.
- Going out drinking and ending up in bed with someone you wish you hadn’t.
- Sleeping with someone you know you shouldn’t.
The Reformed Man-whore’s opinion of this method: “That’s disgusting. I think all girls should always be battle-ready.”
Luckily, there are many options to get yourself battle-ready these days – waxing, IPL, shaving, creams, tweezing, threading (OW!) and so on. My choice? Waxing.
Why? Because despite that stinging, ripping pain that you never really get used to, there’s nothing like an attractive beautician pouring warm wax over you and then afterwards rubbing the cream in…. But enough about me.
Some places even offer decorative services, e.g. creating a lightning bolt, a landing strip or spelling yours (or someone else’s) initials out of your pubes. Or if you’re really bored, you could try Vajazzling. Think Bedazzling but for your nether regions; sequins, stars and glitter galore!
Gentlemen, don’t think you are getting off that easy; if we’re willing to put some effort in, so should you. You know the old phrase “you can’t see the wood for the trees”? No idea what that means but if you can’t see the wood for the bush, don’t expect us girls to go looking.
Thankfully, manscaping is becoming increasingly popular so I know a lot of you guys are with me on this.
For those who aren’t, here’s a secret: a close shave will give the optical illusion of at LEAST an extra inch – trust me on that one.
Because let’s face it, boys, the meat and spuds ain’t so aesthetically pleasing at the best of times so anything you can do to spruce it up is appreciated. Balldazzling, anyone?