THE SPICE TRADE
The receptionist at my work recently asked me, “It’s not fair. Why is it always up to the girl to spice things up? Why can’t the guy spice it up?”
It’s true – generally, we are the ones that have to wear the slutty costumes, wear the sexy lingerie, purchase the massage oils, come up with the role plays, find an appropriate girl for the threesome…
I’m of the opinion that we can’t rely on our male counterparts to “spice things up”. They would NOT do the job as good as us. Why? I’ll tell you why…
Everything’s great when you’re downtown
Browsing the net the other day, I stumbled upon an advice column that read something like this:
Dear Relationship Expert,
My boyfriend Rod won’t go down on me, when I do it for him all the time. This has been happening for almost a year now. How do I convince him to do this for me? It’s really starting to upset me.
And the response:
Be honest and share your feelings with him – gentle communication is the key. Grab his attention by telling him how hard this is for you.
Blah blah blah. That’s certainly not how I roll when it comes to sex advice.
THE ROAD LESS TAKEN
I remember the first time a boyfriend asked me for Road Head. I was 16, and shocked.
Me: “What?! Right now?!”
Him: “Well, it’s a long drive to Geraldton…”
Me: “I’m not blowing you for six hours!”
Him: “Just try it. It’ll be fun. If you don’t like it, you can stop.”
Like many insecure teenage girls who find themselves in such a position, I did it. But we had a few problems…
HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW
I made a horrific discovery in the toilets at work the other day: a pubic hair on the seat. It wasn’t the presence of the pube that frightened me; it was the length of it that scared the crap out of me (not literally).
SIX CENTIMETRES in length, maybe even ten if you used a straightening iron. And it was definitely NOT head hair as no woman I work with has hair like that.
I was shocked. What female grows their pubes to such a length? Why would you let it get that bad? Is there a new trend to grow it so long you can plait it?
Everyone likes their creature comforts but, while a bed is comfortable, it can get a little repetitive. Why not engage in a bit of public fornication for something different?
Here are a few suggestions to get you started…
WORK: There are many ways to “get the job done” at work. Surprise your lover at his place of employment wearing thigh-high stockings, heels, a black trench coat and nothing else. Cliché, sure, but we all know guys think with their downstairs brain and I’m pretty sure it doesn’t know what the word “cliché” means.
A cheeky proposition…
Catching up with the boys is always interesting as they often introduce me to terminology I’m not aware of.
On this night out with The Reformed Man-whore and The Pick-up King, my other friend, The Rang Bang, broadened my horizons…
YOU LIKE THAT, BABY?
I’m not really a fan of dirty talk - or any talk, really - during sex. I can enjoy it but sometimes I find it distracting and off-putting. I especially don’t like being asked questions with obvious answers. I figure the guy should be smart enough to know what’s good and what isn’t by the sounds and facial expressions I’m making.
Example: “Does that feel good? Huh? You like that baby? Huh?”
I can’t see how me responding verbally could make the situation sexier.
If the answer is yes: “Um, of course I do, I’m moaning aren’t I? What are you, deaf?”
If the answer is no: “Did you say something? Oh sorry, I was thinking about this sushi I had for lunch today - it was so good.”
ALL IN A DAY’S WORK…
Hey you! Do you get bored at work? Are you stressed out? Do you have a spare 10 minutes? If the answer is yes, have I got a suggestion for you!
Take yourself to the toilets and have what is known in the trade as a “work wank”. Ladies, you can play too, but only if you’re one of those lucky girls that are capable of getting the job done in less than 10 minutes – taking a 30-minute toilet break isn’t a good look. Most people will probably just think you’re constipated.
HOW TO PLEASE A MAN
So I’ve just read a magazine article about how to please a man. Some of the suggestions were:
Having been in long term relationships and hooked up with a few men, I think this is all rubbish.
The rise of the backdoor bandit…
Most girls have been with enough guys to know that each man has their own set of moves in bed. Most of these “moves” are standard but each guy has their own unique style.
There’s the guy who uses your ears as handles while you blow them, the guy who thinks licking your armpits will turn you on and then there’s the guy who hums while going down on you – this I find particularly disturbing, especially if it’s a tune I recognize, like The Wedding March.
I will do anything for love… But I won’t do THAT.
I am not a prude. In fact, I consider myself to be quite adventurous between the sheets – I’ll try anything once. However, one evening I was in bed with The Machine (named for his stamina in bed), saying we had to be careful as I was off the pill and he joked “How about I blow on your face?”
I got my clothes off….for this?!
Ladies, we’ve all been there. You meet a guy, decide to get frisky and then… One pump, two pumps, three pumps - OVER. Numerous reports from girlfriends has led me to believe that this condition seems to be very common. And it’s not selective - it affects the young, the old, the good-looking, the rich, bikies, footy players, musicians, your dad, etc.