MEL HELPS IMPROVE HEALTH OF KIDS, IMAGE
Mel Gibson completed his community service order (handed down by a judge when he pleaded no contest to striking ex Oksana) by spending time with sick kids in Guatemala.
The biggest thing he did to help the kids was leaving the beaver hand puppet at home.
STRUGGLING FOR CREDIBILITY MUCH?
You know you’re losing relevance to the world when you say Britney Spears is the inspiration behind your latest album.
Seriously, Barry Manilow, WTF?
BIEBER LIKES JESUS AND GOLD PHALLIC OBJECTS
Justin Bieber has shown off his latest tattoo while holidaying in Hawaii with girlfriend Selena Gomez - it’s the the word “Jesus” in Hebrew.
Wow, you’re soooo cool, Justin.
As for the gold phallus in his hand, we don’t want to know what it is or what he had to do to get it.
TOO T-PAINFUL FOR WORDS
A T-Pain mixtape mixed by DJ Nino Brown - does it get any worse? Oh wait, this is to prepare us for a new T-Pain album? Question answered.
END OF THE LINE FOR WARNIE
Champion sportsmen like to end their careers as winners but Shane Warne, AKA the Sheik of Tweak, is bowing out with barely a whimper as his Indian Premier League career runs out of steam.
Warnie, when you said you were going to go out on top, on top of Liz Hurley doesn’t count.
GERMAN STUDENTS WOULD GO PRO
A study has revealed one in three university students in Berlin would turn to prostitution to pay for their education.
No word on whether screwing people for money counts as on-the-job training for law students.
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES
An outcry has errupted over a pervy, male-only Facebook group called The Brocial Network that encourages its members to scour their female friends’ profiles for saucy pics and repost them to the group.
Obviously, this is the kind of behaviour only a prize-winning douche would engage in but let’s keep it real: Girls, did you honestly think posting half-naked pics of yourself on the internet was a good idea?
And how about accepting a thousand friend requests from people you don’t even know? Or ignoring the security settings on your profile, leaving it viewable by everyone on the planet?
DEPP DONE TO DEATH
Pirates of the Caribbean 4 hits screens this week and we’ve got to come clean about something: we’re thoroughly sick of Depp’s dandy depiction of Cap’n Jack Sparrow.
Between the prancing about and fey affectations, the character has gone from being one of the more entertaining silver screen personas to one of its most annoying.
It makes us yearn for a stripped back, gritty, Dark Knight-esque Pirates reboot - how awesome would that be?
$50 MILLION DOLLAR MAN
Andre Rieu has just been presented with an award to commemorate amassing $50 million of album and DVD sales in Australia - making him the biggest selling artist of the past five years.
That is depressing on any number of levels, not least because the correct pronunciation of his last name sounds like an onomatopoeic word you’d use to describe vomiting. Like Ralph or Huey.
PORN FOR PIPPA?
Vivid Entertainment founder Steven Hirsch has written to Pippa Middleton - sister of recent royal bride Kate - offering her US$5 million to star in a porno.
Everyone knows there’s as much chance of Her Royal Hotness accepting as there is of Prince Philip learning how to be politically correct; obviously, it’s all a shameless PR stunt.
Hirsch might have had more luck propositioning Prince Charles, who famously said over the phone that he wished he was Camilla’s tampon - now that’s the sort of sick shit that plays well to the porn crowd.
In Lady Gaga’s head, the idea of doing a love song to Judas Iscariot - the betrayer of Jesus - must have seemed like the perfect PR vehicle. It’s arguably the most bare-faced attempt to garner controversy since Madonna dry-humped a black Jesus in Like a Prayer.
Unfortunately, the only thing offensive about it is the song itself - the worst single Gaga has released to date. If this is how far the quality dips just two singles into the upcoming album then we are putting some massive question marks over Gaga’s ability to deliver the self-proclaimed “greatest album of this decade”.
SPLENDOUR TICKET GRAB: EPIC FAIL
Every year, the panic to secure tickets to Splendour in the Grass is almost as incredible as the line-up itself. This year was no different but thousands of punters who tried to score tix with their Westpac (and Westpac affiliate) credit/debit cards were left high and dry thanks to a technical glitch at their bank. That’s gotta suck.
The promoters have decided to suspend all sales overnight to give those poor bastards a chance to get a ticket tomorrow. What a debacle. Guess we’d be pretty pissed off too if we missed out on seeing Coldplay Kanye, the Hives and more.
WHERE WILL IT END?
As if the world wasn’t violent enough, a company has decided to equip felines with weapons of moderate destruction. Suck UK has released cardboard cat cubbyholes in the shape of a tank. Don’t be fooled by the cuteness, it’s only a matter of time until cats rebel and throw off the shackles of their human oppressors.
US GETS THEIR MAN - WHAT NEXT?
While we don’t see it as a bad thing that the US Government has killed Osama bin Laden, there’s something a little morbid about the glee surrounding the news they “have his body”.
What are they going to do with it? Shoot a reboot of Weekend at Bernie’s with the Al-Quaida leader in the lead role? Actually, that sounds kinda good…
Of course, let’s see how the US continues to justify the War on Terror, which up until now has been almost exclusively billed as the hunt for bin Laden.
BIEBER FEVER HITS AUSTRALIA
Just like Swine Flu, Bieber Fever was a lot funnier when it was happening somewhere else. Can’t wait ‘til these girls turn 25 and look back on this moment in horror.